Finally, something all right thinking people can agree on…

by Trevor Ship – 10th June 2009

(This follows on from my blog post “I don’t really know why” dated April 22nd 2007. You do not really need to read it to make sense of this though.)

As I followed her through the door of the restaurant I took my first real chance to look at her. She was in front of me and probably wouldn’t know. Mind you, she probably knew full well that I was looking at her.

She looked exquisite in a black and white dress that moved with her body in a flowing motion. Her hair, darker than I remember it, matched perfectly. A medley of monochrome, lifting her pale skin into an entrancing pearlescence.

I did have chances to look at her before, earlier in the evening, and she had tried her hardest to grab my attention. Announcing how may times she had changed to get the look just right, dragging my eyes to the shape of the skirt and the neckline. I wanted to look, words will never convey how much I wanted to look. I gave in with a brief glance and a smile. Which seemed from her reaction, to tell her more than I thought that it would.

Conversely I also didn’t want to look, not yet. It was too early to betray myself and my emotions. I needed to see how things were going to go. My eyes cannot lie. Never have been able to, so I avoided her gaze.

Now following her into the squat stone building, I took a chance to take in her elegant shape, and revel in her scent. She looked to all the world like a rare flower reaching it’s peak of beauty. Breathe man, do not forget to breathe! Passing out would be less than impressive at this point.

She walks into the bar, and as she always does, she lights the place up with her personality. A gift made all the more entrancing as she does not seem to know she does it. Maybe I am the only one that notices, she seems to emanate a slight glow to me. I know that people notice me when I walk into a room. How could they not? My frame blocks the sunlight. I have the ability to make people laugh and I use it liberally to make sure that people take to me. She has no need of that artifice, people simply like her.

Once we have sat down I look into her eyes properly for the first time in decades, and I am suddenly terrifyingly out of my depth and have to look away. Glancing back every now and then in the same way that a trapeze artist regards the floor. There to be looked at, but not to be taken for granted. We chat, laugh, share stories and just talk about the small stuff. It is at this point that I notice it. There is something exceptionally large stood just to the rear of me. Breathing heavily and slowly. Along with all of the other patrons of the delightful restaurant, in amongst the tables, chairs and customers. The waiting staff are moving around it as if it was simply not there. But it clearly is.

I looked again. No it really is there but I am the only person that seems able to see it. As I look from the floor and gradually look up to take in it’s full stature. Sure enough right in front of me is an animal the size of an average American family car and the same colour of grey that is saved only for particularly dreary hospitals.

Stood right there in front of me, is a full size elephant. Looking at me querulously, as bemused as to why it is there as I am.

I look back at her and we carry on talking and laughing, every now and then I glance back carefully. No it is still there, and I am still the only person that can see it. I think it maybe best to ignore it, so I return to my delightful companion and really start to enjoy the conversation and thrilling in the natural ebb and flow of our relaxed natures.

I have almost forgotten it behind me until I feel it’s warm breath on the back of my neck and a faint smell of fruit. I spin round and look straight at it, not to challenge it, more to understand it’s motives. It’s lugubrious and gentle eyes give me no answers, only more questions. I suddenly feel very sorry for it and a little humbled. It may only be a metaphor, but it still has no place in a small stone built restaurant, it should surely be roaming the metaphorical savannah. Or maybe defecating all over a sandy floor that some put upon zoo keeper has only just cleaned, but definitely not here.

As I turn back I notice something in the eyes of the beautiful woman sat opposite me, she sees it too. This I did not expect.

How do you bring this up in conversation? I quickly search my mental conditioning, nothing. “Oh, so you can see the invisible elephant as well?” Simply cannot be done. So we do what every decent British person would do under such significant stress, we ignore it and carry on.

The fact that we can both acknowledge that we both know that the elephant is there makes a connection between us. Briefly I wonder which elephant it is that has the small ears, although after bashing that about for a moment I do something that I should have done much earlier. I look back at the astonishing human being sat opposite me and let her into my life again.

Twenty years of my life fall away like awful 70’s vinyl wallpaper from a rented house wall, as we engage with each other in a way that only we ever have. The dance of words that we are engaging in is intimate and loving, close and tender. We verbally spar and accrue points from each other as we have always done. The glint in her eye when she makes a cheeky comment, and the loud uncontrolled laugh when she lets it run free. She is becoming less guarded than before and so am I. I take in the shake of her shoulders as I make her laugh, the rise and fall of her chest as she gets passionate about the subject at hand, we broach every subject that there is to discuss.

Well, every subject but one. The one that placed the huge pachyderm right behind me in the first place. Oddly though, now that we have both realised that there is one thing that we are not discussing, the elephant seems less menacing and feral, more amiable and even a little enchanting.

I briefly wonder if I can change it, as it is obviously a symbol I have created. I ponder dressing it up in a circus ringmasters outfit. is that cruel? To dress up an imaginary animal? I have never given it that much thought before. I am not inclined to at the moment either.

Sometimes not everything has to be thrashed out in front of a committee, just because it is not out there for open discussion does not mean that it is not being approached. The way that we talked, the things we said, the deep lasting looks into each others eyes spoke more and more to each of us on a deeper level as the night went on.

At the end of the night, which came far too soon as is always the case, we separated with a hug. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be.

I looked up at the sky as I walked away, aware that something was subtly different. I had changed inside, just a little. Like a dry lawn under the heavy dew, or an old dusty book being opened carefully, the dust blown away and perused. Something was different, a small almost indecipherable something. The moon was in the sky, but it was not properly dark yet as at this time of year the night is in no hurry to start its shift.

Strange how things work out, I never saw the elephant again though. It is doing well though, working in the Houses of parliament, they often have need of a metaphorical elephant so I hear.

Myself and the lady in question? Who knows how these things work out? Not I. Going to be fun finding out though.

Been a while since I have updated this so going to stick a few things in here. Let’s go:

Firstly, today I realised that a romantic relationship is like a firework. Yes dear reader, you read that right.

When you start a relationship you are filled with trepidation and excitement. This soon turns into an anti climax and a feeling of wasting your money. No matter how much money you spend you still know that it will all be over too soon and it is a high chance that you will annoy the neighbours and frighten their cat .

Oh, and you should never go back to a relationship in case it blows up in your face. (Don’t ask. It’s simpler)

Yesterday I went with the girls to Red House Museum, a museum that is free. It is quite small, but nicely presented and maintained. The best thing is the staff who were very keen and enthusiastic and very good with the girls. A thumbs up from me if you are in the area and want to learn about either textiles, Charlotte Bronte or life in the Spen Valley. How’s that for a mixed bag?

The next North South Divide is almost written, only a few things to finish now. Should get those done this week hopefully although I now appear to have a PC to fix for someone at work. When the next NSD is done I feel I need a new project. Time will tell.

Amyhoo, that’s all for now.

Ta ra.

So then, a few things to catch up on here. So in no particular order here we go:

Firstly my main site at http://www.trevs-shed.net/piggy/ has been hacked by the Albanians. It turns out to fix it all I needed to do was update Joomla and then fiddle about with the password settings. I didn’t do that, as you can see, I took the whole bloody thing down. I have been wondering what to do with it now anyway, and I always think a clean slate is the best place to start.

Next, er, ly – I spent last night writing the main script for my first solo podcast – Flux. It is still a work in progress, but I am basically happy with it, needs tweaking yet though. If you know me, I am not the kind of writer that can bang stuff out and be happy with it.

Talking of banging one out, the next North South Divide is almost with us. It is called Sky, for no real reason, don’t try and make sense of the names as some people have done. There is none. Or is that an elaborate double bluff? No. Well….

james is doing his editting and FX magic, and a few final bits of recording for some guest voices or two. More news on that later I would imagine. I have started work on the next one, I have got a name, which is how I start usually. Don’t ask me why, I don’t understand my writing methods anymore than you do.  I make a conscious effort not to think about that sort of thing too much. When it comes to comedy, that is not a good way to be heading, I learnt that some time ago. For now Flux has to take precedence for me, until at least the first one is done.

Other writing related stuff now, I have used Open Office Writer for some time now. (Hint: Don’t Google Open Orifice, and don’t email the Open Office team and refer to them as that either. Not a good idea, just helping you not make the mistakes that I have there.) I have been a big fan of it, partly because it is free yes, but I have a legal version of Word, so it isn’t just that. My main bugbears with it are simple, firstly it is now approaching bloatware status, not their fault. It is part of a suite, but I do not use the rest of it. You can just install Writer I am aware of that, but you still have to download the whole bloody thing.

Secondly, and more important, it is slooooooooow. So into the trevs writing arsenal (I won’t make any jokes about that word, oh no.) come two new contenders, both very different and both getting a lot of use from me.

Abiword – a fully featured, cross platform and free word processor. Most of all though, it is quick as it is bared down to the minimum features. I heartily recommend this if you need a word pro, that is MS Word and Open Office compatible.

Dark Room – A very different thing, I am the worlds most easily distracted wri… Oooh look at that! Sorry, where was I? dark room is a simple idea, a very basic text editor that fills up the entire screen, no tabs, no extra features, no word count or internet access. I love it for sketching out ideas, which is when I am usually at my most…. Oooh, I didn’t know it did that.

I am sure that I have forgotten something, but I will return. Lot’s of stuff from Trev’s mind coming your way soon. You poor things.

so that I could get on with some writing. That isn’t going to happen as I am very very angry. Why, I hear you say? Well I don’t hear you say that, as if I did  I would have some other more important issues. For the sake of this narrative though let’s assume that you did, and I heard you. Okay? Okay.

To precis the beginning bit of the story for people who have only just started following the world according to trev, I work in Rotherham, and I live some considerable distance away from there and so I have been requesting since before I started that I be put on the transfer list. All good so far. Well my boss at my test centre informed when I started that there was no point putting  my name on the transfer list straight away as I would not get one while I was in probation (which lasts 7 months), so being the good boy that I am, I waited.

Until, I got a text from one of my colleagues who started the same time as me and he told me that he was transferring test centres, which meant two things:

One, as he was based in a test centre nearer my home, there would be a space there (In fact there were several.)

Two, my boss had lied, or more charitably perhaps, misinformed me about the chances of transfer under probation as my colleague was transferring, and he was on the same course as me…

About two months ago I got asked (after I had kicked up a bit of a stink about the above) if I would like to transfer to the test centre in question, I said yes, and was told that it would probably be Sep/Oct which I was more than happy with.

Nothing more happened, but I thought little of it except trying to get a definite date, as like anyone I have to make plans.

This morning I mentioned it in the office as one of my co workers asked about it, my boss was not in and another examiner from another team was in, and he obviously overheard us chatting, and I get a feeling knew the answer and he had a look at the system that shows where we are working and so on. Which we do not have access to. What did it show?

It showed that I start at the new test centre the week after next! Yes you read that right, next week is my last week where I am working. Now this is where it starts to get really weird though, as I obviously called our section that deals with where examiners are based and she told me that it has been arranged for weeks, and that my boss definitely knew about it as she has talked to him about it over a month ago…

Now again, some of you may be thinking that he made a mistake, forgot etc. he did not, he has form for this sort of thing, he has done something like this to almost everyone in the office, stuff that I could not possibly type on here. The only conclusions I can come to are that he is either completely forgetting things or he is doing it on purpose.

The good news though is that I am moving test centres soon, so that will be big savings on fuel for me!

As you can see, up there to the left I have added Twitter. I thought that it was about time to drag myself into it as lots of people I know are doing it, and I can update it from my phone. Which is handy being as I am driving examiner, I don’t tend to have internet access at work…

I am nearly finished writing the next NSD after a splurge last week, and plans are afoot and indeed, ahand, to get my new podcast up and running. More news as it warrants.

I just want to say thanks to my good friends James and Beth, who have made sure that I had a great weekend at their house even after I felt very poorly last week.

Ta ra for now.

Well today was an interesting day at work. The third test today was awful, I genuinely thought that she was trying to kill me. I It seemed very likely that someone had paid her to “rub me out” or somesuch as they say on TV.

So, when I managed to coax that one back, I was feeling quite smug. Until the next test…

The girl in question was lovely, very friendly and had made a good stab at the questions at the beginning of the test. We had headed off and were making our way down to the main roundabout in Rotherham, which is about 3-4 minutes drive from the test centre. We get there and she lines up correctly in the middle lane and pulls up. The lorry next to us in the right lane decides to go and my candidate (what we call people on test) decides to wait and places her handbrake on. All looking good.

Until the lorry jinks to the left as he pulls away, this is no problem as he is a good few inches away. Problem is that the back of the trailer, as anyone who has towed an LGV, trailer or caravan will know, transcribes a smaller arc. To wit: It cuts the corner.

Unfortunately the corner that it cut contained our car, the lorries back wheels scraped very badly against the side of the car, ripping off the door mirror, front bumper and part of the wing. Obviously the poor girl is hysterical at this point, and I have to admit that I have felt better. The lorry driver realises that something is wrong and stops in the right hand lane, I then help my candidate, with the use of the dual brake and clutch, to move the car so that we are a bit more out of the way. We pull up, I check that she is alright, and get out of the car to speak to the lorry driver. Now bear in mind that I am a driving examiner, in the middle of a test and this driver has genuinely nearly killed the girl in the car, who is now bawling her eyes out. What do you think the first words out of this mans mouth were?

“That wasn’t my f***ing fault”. Did you get that? Not “I’m sorry” or even more importantly “How is she?” No. I hadn’t said a word at this point, but for the first time since I started the job I am really struggling to keep my cool and remain professional, but I just about manage. I take his details, give him the instructors and mine, and go back to the girl. I calm her some more, she is okay but I want her to stay in the car, safest place for her. I cannot get her instructors mobile as she has left her ‘phone at home, and I cannot ring work as we are all out on test.

I get out to see if there is anything that the driver needs from me, and he is on the ‘phone to his boss, when he gets off he says this timeless classic:

“My boss says that you have to sign a piece of paper and say that it was your fault and you drove into the back of me….”

He didn’t get to finish that sentence, and I have to admit that I now lost my cool…

“Into the back of you? WE WERE STATIONARY, WITH THE PARKING BRAKE ON! Your back wheels drove OVER our car! How can you explain the front wing and the bumper being ripped forward if we hit you? Hmmm?”

And at this point I walked away, to look after the poor girl and walk her back to the test centre. It is only know I realise the power that my job entails, I stopped the busiest roundabout in Rotherham, all of the traffic to get her across safely.  And no one complained!

To end the story both the girl and myself are fine and were laughing about it later. Although it is not so good for the instructor at least it is quite an old car, and he was planning on getting a new one. Just as well as I think that his old one will be a write off…

Ta ra.

I could be in a proper state, being as I will have done two night shifts by then.

Please come on over, click the picture.

Back in the mists of, well February, james and I made this.

• Well now have a remix of it by me. (AKA The Men in White Coats)

• With added stuff. It is not my greatest work, but its different. james wanted me to point out that the lyrics came from presets on my Novation synth that we used to play the sequenced apreggiated riff.

Sorry to do this, and become like the rest of the web, but I have added a donation icon to this blog, and I may add one to the NSD pages too. It is not about making me lots of money, just so that you know, oh no. It is a payment that goes directly to Dreamhosts and goes towards my hosting costs, which is where we hold the North South Divide podcasts.

No pressure, quite the opposite, but any help is appreciated.

Thanks.

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