Finally, something all right thinking people can agree on…

I had a lot of problems at the house that I used to rent, and when I moved out they sent me a letter saying that i would have to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned. This was before they had actually seen them, by the way, there were only a couple of small carpets and they were pretty clean anyway.

Here is a letter that I wrote to them about a year ago, you can tell I was a little annoyed… (I got what I wanted by the way.)

Dear *****,

I acknowledge receipt of both of your identical letters dated 3rd November 2008 and I am writing to you in reply regarding parts of the enclosed information. Let me first state that I had to email you twice and send a letter to elicit this response, and this was after me attempting to call your lettings department on several occasions and getting no answer.

Your letter states mostly what I would expect regarding the state of the property when I move out, the only thing that I have an issue with is “Carpets should be professionally cleaned” so in effect this is a tax on my withdrawal from the property? I either pay money to get the work done, or you will use it as an excuse to stop some of my deposit being returned to me?

I have spoken to **** (the landlord’s representative) regarding this matter today, and he is more than happy for me to do it myself, as I have access to a carpet cleaner. The house will be left in a far cleaner manner than when I moved in, and I add that I had to spend the best part of a day with assistance from family to make this house habitable!

I will consider paying for the carpets to be cleaned, if you consider reimbursing me for the following issues that I have had since I moved in. (You may want to sit down for this, as it could be a long ride, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times.)

When I got the keys for the property, I found when I got here that none of the upstairs lights worked, and it was assumed that it was an electrical problem, it wasn’t. All of the bulbs were out, which I replaced at my own expense. As was the connection for the TV aerial as that was broken. As stated above I had to spend the best part of a day tidying up due to the excessive mess that the property was in.

Since then I was without a shower for several months, and then subsequently without a working oven for several months as well. Both of these were only fixed once I had threatened non payment of rent for your breach of contract. The gutter at the rear of the property came down in the storms over 18 months ago and it still has not been fixed or replaced. This is presumably damaging the property when the rain just seeps down the wall. The fence at the rear of the property on the right hand side has been down since around the same time. The fencing at the front of the property is also damaged and partially down.

On two occasions I was sent threatening letters for non payment of rent, that I had paid. I have letters to prove all of this by the way. On another you took no money at all, and I had to email you to remind you. For which I got no thanks, or indeed a response at all. Which is a pattern that I have come to expect from your organisation.

I hold your company, and it’s slow responses partially responsible for the burglary that I suffered earlier this year. The outside of the patio door was smashed and the outhouse door damaged in an attempted burglary, as nothing was done about this due to you arguing with the landlord and the insurers, I was subsequently burgled several weeks later. (All of this is available in a corroborating format from the police, with photos I took myself of both incidents.) The police officers and scenes of crime officers agreed that I probably would have not been burgled had the door been fixed in time. It then took several weeks to be fixed after that, including me losing 2 days of work due to the lack of security in the repair. In the end my Father and I repaired to make it more secure ourselves. Again at our own cost.

The outhouse door was damaged in both attempts, although entry was not gained. No one has even asked about repairing that, so I also repaired that so that it was secure. Again at my own cost and in my own time.

I had to pay an excess of £150 on the claim for replacement of my articles, I do not see you offering to pay towards any of that? And of course all of the tidying that had to be done and correspondence that I had to pay for to yourselves, the landlord, police and so on.

I have since had a mice infestation, which I notified you about via email (again twice, as you blithely ignored the first one. Keeping up your usual good form there that I have come to expect.) and was promptly called back by one of your representatives who asked a few questions and said she would get back to me. Can you guess what happened next? Go on, you know you want too. Yes that’s right, nothing. How did you see that one coming?

So to summarise, I have repaired the toilet, put on a new lavatory seat (it’s nice and pine finish. Very tasteful, you would like it). Replaced a lightshade, bought a bath mat, fixed the drain on the bath, replaced many bulbs that should have been working before I moved in. Had several major items not work at all for several months, damage not repaired from storms over 18 months ago. Been accused of non payment of rent, when I had proof that I had been paying it. Burgled. Oh and the mice parties, where they get together and inexplicably eat my sponge scourers, odd tastes the Featherstone mice, what can I say?

I am sure that there is far more that I could put in this letter, as the service that I have received from your company has been on the whole, woeful.

So to summarise the summary, I am feeling very very annoyed by your company and the implication that I will leave this house in any form of bad repair that is my fault is frustrating at best. I feel that you should consider this situation based on the above problems and as the landlord is happy for me to clean the carpets and so on myself, to let me do just that. If you or the landlord have any issues when I have moved out then that can be discussed then.

I don’t believe that I am overly fussy, or too quick to complain, minor things such as the kitchen lino being ripped since I moved in, have been lived with without grumble. It takes a lot to me make me complain, I am hardly a serial complainer, but I have been pushed towards it now, which I regret.

People who take themselves too seriously, specifically on the internet.

You know the type, the people who make pointless, self aggrandising statements on forums (and if you thought “look how clever I am, I know that it should be fora for the plural of forum”, you are undoubtedly one of them.)

The pedants, the childish – “My choice of music/games console/sexual preference is better than yours”, the pathetic Emperor’s clothes types. These were the people that pre – internet read NME, and had to be told what to like, the ones that as soon as someone else had heard of the music they liked, they could no longer like them as they had obviously “sold out”

The people that have to prove their superiority over other happy forum users, as obviously they have to recognise them as their intellectual betters. There are of course the opopsite, the ones who are mentally deficient and take things far too seriously and put forward idiotic arguments, or American teenagers as they more commonly known.

We all know that these cyber bullies are living out a fantasy, that they are sad, pallid little geeks who couldn’t really talk to someone of the opposite sex. They then take out their years of bitterness on people on the internet, as it all that they have.

Pity them, and move on. That is all.

In other news, I am soon to be working on the design for the stickers. I am sorry that both they, and the next NSD are delayed but I am very busy at the moment, as is james.

I applied for a job as a driving examiner last November, I had 2 tests and an interview, I got the job yet there were none.

They told me that they would offer me the next job, I got sick of waiting and I started working with the police last Thursday.

Guess who rang me this morning? Yes the DSA with a job, I said that I would have to think about it. They said that they had to know ASAP, even though it has taken them 6 months to get me something. I agreed a definite callback time of 4.00, after I finished work

I decided to take it. I called, there was no job, it was some kind of mistake apparently.

I am barely capable of putting into words how this makes me feel if I am honest. Ahh well, at least my new job with the police is going well so far.

“Hastings direct.com, Hastings direct.cooooooom”

“Elephant.co.uk, that’s Elephant.co.uk that’s Elephant.co.uk”

Norton Finance, Ocean Finance and so on.

Yes, adverts. Particularly daytime TV adverts, I understand that there is less money in daytime TV, but there is no need for this kind of thing. Finance vampires, ambulance chasers and insurance peddlers with awful adverts trying to make a connection with stupid people. They have obviously deemed that the only people watching TV during the day are ill educated morons, and have decided to pitch their wares accordingly.

I have to admit in advance that I watch very little TV, so I am probably more sensitive to this guff, but if I was in the demographic I would be mortally offended by this treatment. (Yes demographic Tarquin, you coke snorting, pony tailed twat. I do know what that means.*) Have they not realised that students are at home during the day? And the argument would be as follows:

“Yes, there are students at home all day, but our research shows that students have little disposable income for our products”

Okay, my research, well I say research, by which I mean I have been walking around with my bloody eyes open. My research has picked up, that while it is true that students have little money now, most will have in the future. My other parallel piece of research that I have been running at the same time shows that people that work in advertising have a small black hole where there souls should be. This, if I may summarise for a moment, is obviously due to them selling their souls to Satan. As an atheist, Satan is a representation of big business. If you are in advertising don’t bother responding to this, just remember that when you start receiving the money from whoring yourself to these companies that your opinion ceases to matter. YOU ARE OWNED, end of story.

I suppose that the flip side is that these businesses think that these adverts are good, but I find it hard to believe that these multi million pound companies haven’t realised how shockingly bad these things are. They surely don’t look at them proudly when they are being showed what they have paid tens of thousands of pounds for?

There is an argument that they are so bad deliberately, so that we remember them, so that they stick in your conscience like nicotine sticks in a smokers cranium. Hmm, okay I can see that as a possible. All I would say is this, I remember Peter Sutcliffe, but I wouldn’t want to share a room with him…

*Yes,  I am aware that this is lazy and stereotypical characterization but they employ it so why shouldn’t I? Think like your enemy  to catch them out.

Well I have thought long and low about what was going to be given the non-coveted title of “A bit of a dick”. And here is what I have come up with this time:

• Tim Westood

I mean why? For the love of all that is good on this planet, what does he think that he is doing? The world doesn’t need a British middle class, son of a Bishop, private school boy pretending to be an African American.

There is a man in desperate need of a drive by. *Starts the car*

I won’t write anymore on this matter, as simply there is already so much, see his Wikipedia entry

He even lies about these things when asked about it, he has lied about his schooling and his age, and yet he is still on radio 1! There will be people that claim that he is “popular” and therefore has his place.

Hitler got voted in in 1933, that’s all I am saying. Popularity is the start of the slippery slope to mindless banality. If you use that as an argument and don’t want to better the human condition, then you will get the world that you deserve. And Westwood will be sexually molesting you in it. So “Drop da bom’” on that!

As American show biz types, draw towards the end of their awards season I started ruminating. Now that is something that my Doctor has advised that I try to cut down on, but anyway.

I realised that Americans are good at all that jumping up and down and waving their arms type stuff, and guns don’t necessarily have to be involved. Us Brits aren’t generally. You may get a polite round of applause from us, but that’s about it. We are more stoic in general, and that is the way that I prefer it.

I say, why don’t we celebrate mediocrity? Revel in mundanity and small mindedness? It is the one thing that modern Britain excels at. So I present the first British inaugural “A bit of a dick awards”
An oft awarded prize to someone who most deserves it, I intend to start with something that most of us will probably agree on, BMW drivers.

I know that they are an easy target, although not as easy a target as the back of your car becomes to one of these people. BMW drivers are now an equal oppurtunities employer, gender, race or mental attitude are now no barrier to being an arsey BMW driver. I am a driving instructor by trade, and spend a good percentage of my day being harassed by stroppy drivers who seem to believe that they have a God given right to be at the front of any given traffic queue, irrespective of whatever is in the way. And at the top (Or bottom) of this pile of cantankerous selfish dullards are the BMW drivers. Mercedes, Volvo, and Audi drivers are all in with a shout too, but they couldn’t quite compete in the “Being a bit of a dick” stakes.

Something about sitting behind the wheel of one of these Bavarian cock wagons instantly imbues the driver with a heady mix of selfishness and self righteousness that a certain Baroness Thatcher would have approved of. Somehow these dullards buy these machines with the misbegotten idea that their car is “exclusive”, and yet the 3 series has consistently outsold the supposedly middle of the road Ford Mondeo for the last few years. How can a car that outsells a Ford be considered exclusive? Ford the people’s car, a name that Hitler also coined, but that’s a different manufacturer. Gah.

The most annoying thing is that any BMW drivers see this, they will see it as jealousy, and their driving style is an extension of their “Go getter” attitude, and that I wish that I was like them. Maybe, but that doesn’t stop them being deeply irritating arses.

This is not a diatribe against BMW cars, quite the opposite, they are on the whole very good cars, but I couldn’t possibly have one, as I do not wish to be associated with these “unter mensch” to use some deeply offensive German for a moment.

While I am on the subject, and on a roll. Can I just say to all X3 and X5 owners not to waste your money on number plates that say X3 or X5? The people that care what kind of car it is, already know, and those that don’t, still don’t. It doesn’t matter if it is written on yellow reflective plastic, it is still only the kind of car you drive, you unutterable tit.

Oh, and if you can afford a BMW, you should also be able to afford a chuffing hands free kit! The next BMW driver I see using a mobile and driving, I am aiming to drive straight at. I HAVE AN AIRBAG IN MY CORSA! I am invincible!
*Breathes*

So, who or what would you have as the next “A bit of a dick” award? Let me know, or I will be forced to choose the next one too, and you never know it could be you!
trev