by Trevor Ship – 10th June 2009

(This follows on from my blog post “I don’t really know why” dated April 22nd 2007. You do not really need to read it to make sense of this though.)

As I followed her through the door of the restaurant I took my first real chance to look at her. She was in front of me and probably wouldn’t know. Mind you, she probably knew full well that I was looking at her.

She looked exquisite in a black and white dress that moved with her body in a flowing motion. Her hair, darker than I remember it, matched perfectly. A medley of monochrome, lifting her pale skin into an entrancing pearlescence.

I did have chances to look at her before, earlier in the evening, and she had tried her hardest to grab my attention. Announcing how may times she had changed to get the look just right, dragging my eyes to the shape of the skirt and the neckline. I wanted to look, words will never convey how much I wanted to look. I gave in with a brief glance and a smile. Which seemed from her reaction, to tell her more than I thought that it would.

Conversely I also didn’t want to look, not yet. It was too early to betray myself and my emotions. I needed to see how things were going to go. My eyes cannot lie. Never have been able to, so I avoided her gaze.

Now following her into the squat stone building, I took a chance to take in her elegant shape, and revel in her scent. She looked to all the world like a rare flower reaching it’s peak of beauty. Breathe man, do not forget to breathe! Passing out would be less than impressive at this point.

She walks into the bar, and as she always does, she lights the place up with her personality. A gift made all the more entrancing as she does not seem to know she does it. Maybe I am the only one that notices, she seems to emanate a slight glow to me. I know that people notice me when I walk into a room. How could they not? My frame blocks the sunlight. I have the ability to make people laugh and I use it liberally to make sure that people take to me. She has no need of that artifice, people simply like her.

Once we have sat down I look into her eyes properly for the first time in decades, and I am suddenly terrifyingly out of my depth and have to look away. Glancing back every now and then in the same way that a trapeze artist regards the floor. There to be looked at, but not to be taken for granted. We chat, laugh, share stories and just talk about the small stuff. It is at this point that I notice it. There is something exceptionally large stood just to the rear of me. Breathing heavily and slowly. Along with all of the other patrons of the delightful restaurant, in amongst the tables, chairs and customers. The waiting staff are moving around it as if it was simply not there. But it clearly is.

I looked again. No it really is there but I am the only person that seems able to see it. As I look from the floor and gradually look up to take in it’s full stature. Sure enough right in front of me is an animal the size of an average American family car and the same colour of grey that is saved only for particularly dreary hospitals.

Stood right there in front of me, is a full size elephant. Looking at me querulously, as bemused as to why it is there as I am.

I look back at her and we carry on talking and laughing, every now and then I glance back carefully. No it is still there, and I am still the only person that can see it. I think it maybe best to ignore it, so I return to my delightful companion and really start to enjoy the conversation and thrilling in the natural ebb and flow of our relaxed natures.

I have almost forgotten it behind me until I feel it’s warm breath on the back of my neck and a faint smell of fruit. I spin round and look straight at it, not to challenge it, more to understand it’s motives. It’s lugubrious and gentle eyes give me no answers, only more questions. I suddenly feel very sorry for it and a little humbled. It may only be a metaphor, but it still has no place in a small stone built restaurant, it should surely be roaming the metaphorical savannah. Or maybe defecating all over a sandy floor that some put upon zoo keeper has only just cleaned, but definitely not here.

As I turn back I notice something in the eyes of the beautiful woman sat opposite me, she sees it too. This I did not expect.

How do you bring this up in conversation? I quickly search my mental conditioning, nothing. “Oh, so you can see the invisible elephant as well?” Simply cannot be done. So we do what every decent British person would do under such significant stress, we ignore it and carry on.

The fact that we can both acknowledge that we both know that the elephant is there makes a connection between us. Briefly I wonder which elephant it is that has the small ears, although after bashing that about for a moment I do something that I should have done much earlier. I look back at the astonishing human being sat opposite me and let her into my life again.

Twenty years of my life fall away like awful 70’s vinyl wallpaper from a rented house wall, as we engage with each other in a way that only we ever have. The dance of words that we are engaging in is intimate and loving, close and tender. We verbally spar and accrue points from each other as we have always done. The glint in her eye when she makes a cheeky comment, and the loud uncontrolled laugh when she lets it run free. She is becoming less guarded than before and so am I. I take in the shake of her shoulders as I make her laugh, the rise and fall of her chest as she gets passionate about the subject at hand, we broach every subject that there is to discuss.

Well, every subject but one. The one that placed the huge pachyderm right behind me in the first place. Oddly though, now that we have both realised that there is one thing that we are not discussing, the elephant seems less menacing and feral, more amiable and even a little enchanting.

I briefly wonder if I can change it, as it is obviously a symbol I have created. I ponder dressing it up in a circus ringmasters outfit. is that cruel? To dress up an imaginary animal? I have never given it that much thought before. I am not inclined to at the moment either.

Sometimes not everything has to be thrashed out in front of a committee, just because it is not out there for open discussion does not mean that it is not being approached. The way that we talked, the things we said, the deep lasting looks into each others eyes spoke more and more to each of us on a deeper level as the night went on.

At the end of the night, which came far too soon as is always the case, we separated with a hug. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be.

I looked up at the sky as I walked away, aware that something was subtly different. I had changed inside, just a little. Like a dry lawn under the heavy dew, or an old dusty book being opened carefully, the dust blown away and perused. Something was different, a small almost indecipherable something. The moon was in the sky, but it was not properly dark yet as at this time of year the night is in no hurry to start its shift.

Strange how things work out, I never saw the elephant again though. It is doing well though, working in the Houses of parliament, they often have need of a metaphorical elephant so I hear.

Myself and the lady in question? Who knows how these things work out? Not I. Going to be fun finding out though.