It is from the days when I used to work at Laser Quest at Wakefield Superbowl 2000. It was written mainly by myself and Rob Reed, but I seem to recall that some other people stuck their two pennorth in.

It won’t all make sense to you, as it was very much an in joke, but I don’t want to edit or change it. Some of the more obscure references will be in hypertext so that you can click them for an explanation. I hope that you enjoy, (and if you have ever worked in a soul destroying, demeaning job you almost certainly will.) the Laser Quest Questionnaire:

“So you think that you have what it takes to be on the staff at LQX do you? Well prove it buster, by giving hypothetical responses to these actual situations and dilemmas you will have to face:

1) A customer is irritating you by drumming his fingers impatiently on the table while you are obviously doing something bloody else. Do you?

a) Drop whatever you are doing to attend to his needs.

b) Deliberately prolong the task that you are engaged in to irritate him further, in the hope that he will develop a lasting hatred for you and the building, go away and never come back.

c) Scream “For God’s sake shut up you irritating BASTARD!”

d) Hit him with the till.

2) You have the opportunity to put a message up on the score screen. Is it?

a) “Welcome to Laser Quest”

b) “Martyn is a bender”

c) “Fuck off home - we’re shut!”

d) “(0898) RECTUM”

3) You are asked to come up with a suitable slogan to promote Laser Quest to teenagers. Do you choose?

a) “Laser Quest - It’s lovely”

b) “Like being vomited upon by a nun”

c) “It’s wank”

d) “Hey girls - ‘phone 38***** and ask for Mr. Love”

4) It’s 9.30pm and there haven’t been any customers for an hour. Do you?

a) Announce a special offer-of games for 20p each and then walk around the bowl trying to encourage people to play.

b) Announce that LQX will be closing soon, give it 30 seconds then ask to cash up.

c) Turn everything off, tell any customers who ask that you’re sorry but you’re shut. Cash up, leave the float outside the office door, knock and run away.

d) You went home three hours ago, on the pretext that you were going on a break.

5) A group of 16 year old girls are?

a) Customers

b) Definitely your brief, and you will fight anyone who says that it isn’t.

c) I’m sorry, I can’t think straight - what was the question?

d) Of no interest to you because you are a girl. (In which case please forgive the inherent sexism in this questionnaire - it was all of the others, not Rob at all.)

6) Which of the following most accurately describes your brief?

a) I list the important rules of the game, the safety rules, the location of the fire exits, the history of the company and tell them about this really great game I had until they have lost the power of rational thought.

b) I give them a vague idea of what they are up to, just so the don’t think that it is bowling, then chuck them in.

c) “In you go - it’s easy. You’ll work it out.”

d) What’s a brief?

7) Your cap is?

a) A vital and useful accessory without which you would be completely unable to carry out your important job.

b) Something by which management exact revenge upon you for having nicer hair than them.

c) On fire.

d) What cap?

8 ) What is the correct procedure for fixing a FRONT COMMS FAILURE?

a) Put the entire pack in a box and send it back to Threshold.

b) Set about constructing a huge series of files and databases detailing all the information you could possible want to know about all of the packs in the arena, in the hope that someone else will have fixed it by the time that you have finished.

c) Hit it repeatedly with tools and bits of wood shouting “WHY WON’T YOU WORK YOU BASTARD?”

d) Don’t bother fixing it, just tell the customers that it is working, and that they are stupid for thinking otherwise.

9) A child keeps coming back every two minutes to ask when it’s game is on. Do you?

a) Patiently explain the colour system and hope that it will eventually understand.

b) Say with increasing degrees of sarcasm - “Two minutes less that it was when last time you asked!”

c) Insert the till sideways into it’s mouth.

d) Say “NEVER! You horrible little example of gene experimentation. Get lost!”

10) A complaint letter has been received! Do you?

a) Panic, and set about implementing more rigid codes of conduct for the staff, promising the management the summary execution of further offenders and the suicide of yourself should another such letter be received.

b) Blame it on somebody else

c) Stick the letter to your forehead, go down to the office and say “Who gives a toss?Not me!Go on - fire me!”

d) Spend all day writing an eloquent yet scathing reply to the senders of the complaint, stressing how it was really their fault for being whinging complaining bastards with nothing better to do than moan, and if their child hadn’t been such an irritating git in the first place you wouldn’t have had to hit it anyway.

11) Sarcasm is?

a) The lowest form of wit

b) An anagram of mascara (Nearly)

c) A perfectly reasonable way of dealing with customers

d) Sex.

12) You discover a sarcastic questionnaire, written by the staff. Do you?

a) Burn it, erase the file and sack the members of staff responsible because things like this detract from the serious nature of working at Laser Quest.

b) Sulk, because you didn’t think of it.

c) Fill it in.

d) Think “Hmm looks interesting, must learn to read some day.”

13) League bowlers are?

a) Wankers

b) Wankers

c) Wankers

d) Fun Guys, no sorry - Wankers.

14) You have actually managed to mend something so that it works better than it did before you started. Do you?

a) Spend the next three weeks telling everybody an increasingly elaborate tale of your epic quest to conquer this evil problem, and it was only by your sheer brillianc.. etc etc etc

b) Faint

c) Sulk, because it means that you now have no way of looking like you are doing some work when you are, in fact, talking to girls.

d) Found a new religion based upon the spiritual properties of electrical cleaning solvent - prolonged exposure to this having scrambled your brain somewhat.

15) (And finally) Your purpose at Laser Quest is to:?

a) Serve with your entire being the vision of Laser Quest, enslave your life to the accumulation of customers and further the spirit of the game until all of the world knows the basic safety rules and people everywhere are united by the excitement of shooting little laser beams at each other.

b) Earn money

c) Irritate management, set fire to things, do as little work as possible and warp the formative experiences of small children by ruining all of their fun.

d) Meet girls (or boys) (or animals)

SCORING

If your answers are:

Mostly a)’s

• Congratulations. You are Martyn

Mostly b)’s

• You will have a thoroughly miserable time working here, but then, so does everyone else. Get out while you still have the will to live.

Mostly c)’s

• Your healthy attitude to customers, management and Laser Quest in general will doubtless get you fired before long - but what the hell, you’ll have a laugh!

Mostly d)’s

• If the customers don’t kill you, the staff will
• If the staff don’t kill you, the management will
• If the management don’t kill you, VJ’s beard will. (Ugh)

Mostly e)’s

• You have been doing the wrong quiz you daft bastard.