As American show biz types, draw towards the end of their awards season I started ruminating. Now that is something that my Doctor has advised that I try to cut down on, but anyway.

I realised that Americans are good at all that jumping up and down and waving their arms type stuff, and guns don’t necessarily have to be involved. Us Brits aren’t generally. You may get a polite round of applause from us, but that’s about it. We are more stoic in general, and that is the way that I prefer it.

I say, why don’t we celebrate mediocrity? Revel in mundanity and small mindedness? It is the one thing that modern Britain excels at. So I present the first British inaugural “A bit of a dick awards”
An oft awarded prize to someone who most deserves it, I intend to start with something that most of us will probably agree on, BMW drivers.

I know that they are an easy target, although not as easy a target as the back of your car becomes to one of these people. BMW drivers are now an equal oppurtunities employer, gender, race or mental attitude are now no barrier to being an arsey BMW driver. I am a driving instructor by trade, and spend a good percentage of my day being harassed by stroppy drivers who seem to believe that they have a God given right to be at the front of any given traffic queue, irrespective of whatever is in the way. And at the top (Or bottom) of this pile of cantankerous selfish dullards are the BMW drivers. Mercedes, Volvo, and Audi drivers are all in with a shout too, but they couldn’t quite compete in the “Being a bit of a dick” stakes.

Something about sitting behind the wheel of one of these Bavarian cock wagons instantly imbues the driver with a heady mix of selfishness and self righteousness that a certain Baroness Thatcher would have approved of. Somehow these dullards buy these machines with the misbegotten idea that their car is “exclusive”, and yet the 3 series has consistently outsold the supposedly middle of the road Ford Mondeo for the last few years. How can a car that outsells a Ford be considered exclusive? Ford the people’s car, a name that Hitler also coined, but that’s a different manufacturer. Gah.

The most annoying thing is that any BMW drivers see this, they will see it as jealousy, and their driving style is an extension of their “Go getter” attitude, and that I wish that I was like them. Maybe, but that doesn’t stop them being deeply irritating arses.

This is not a diatribe against BMW cars, quite the opposite, they are on the whole very good cars, but I couldn’t possibly have one, as I do not wish to be associated with these “unter mensch” to use some deeply offensive German for a moment.

While I am on the subject, and on a roll. Can I just say to all X3 and X5 owners not to waste your money on number plates that say X3 or X5? The people that care what kind of car it is, already know, and those that don’t, still don’t. It doesn’t matter if it is written on yellow reflective plastic, it is still only the kind of car you drive, you unutterable tit.

Oh, and if you can afford a BMW, you should also be able to afford a chuffing hands free kit! The next BMW driver I see using a mobile and driving, I am aiming to drive straight at. I HAVE AN AIRBAG IN MY CORSA! I am invincible!
*Breathes*

So, who or what would you have as the next “A bit of a dick” award? Let me know, or I will be forced to choose the next one too, and you never know it could be you!
trev