So then, a few things to catch up on here. So in no particular order here we go:

Firstly my main site at http://www.trevs-shed.net/piggy/ has been hacked by the Albanians. It turns out to fix it all I needed to do was update Joomla and then fiddle about with the password settings. I didn’t do that, as you can see, I took the whole bloody thing down. I have been wondering what to do with it now anyway, and I always think a clean slate is the best place to start.

Next, er, ly - I spent last night writing the main script for my first solo podcast - Flux. It is still a work in progress, but I am basically happy with it, needs tweaking yet though. If you know me, I am not the kind of writer that can bang stuff out and be happy with it.

Talking of banging one out, the next North South Divide is almost with us. It is called Sky, for no real reason, don’t try and make sense of the names as some people have done. There is none. Or is that an elaborate double bluff? No. Well….

james is doing his editting and FX magic, and a few final bits of recording for some guest voices or two. More news on that later I would imagine. I have started work on the next one, I have got a name, which is how I start usually. Don’t ask me why, I don’t understand my writing methods anymore than you do.  I make a conscious effort not to think about that sort of thing too much. When it comes to comedy, that is not a good way to be heading, I learnt that some time ago. For now Flux has to take precedence for me, until at least the first one is done.

Other writing related stuff now, I have used Open Office Writer for some time now. (Hint: Don’t Google Open Orifice, and don’t email the Open Office team and refer to them as that either. Not a good idea, just helping you not make the mistakes that I have there.) I have been a big fan of it, partly because it is free yes, but I have a legal version of Word, so it isn’t just that. My main bugbears with it are simple, firstly it is now approaching bloatware status, not their fault. It is part of a suite, but I do not use the rest of it. You can just install Writer I am aware of that, but you still have to download the whole bloody thing.

Secondly, and more important, it is slooooooooow. So into the trevs writing arsenal (I won’t make any jokes about that word, oh no.) come two new contenders, both very different and both getting a lot of use from me.

Abiword - a fully featured, cross platform and free word processor. Most of all though, it is quick as it is bared down to the minimum features. I heartily recommend this if you need a word pro, that is MS Word and Open Office compatible.

Dark Room - A very different thing, I am the worlds most easily distracted wri… Oooh look at that! Sorry, where was I? dark room is a simple idea, a very basic text editor that fills up the entire screen, no tabs, no extra features, no word count or internet access. I love it for sketching out ideas, which is when I am usually at my most…. Oooh, I didn’t know it did that.

I am sure that I have forgotten something, but I will return. Lot’s of stuff from Trev’s mind coming your way soon. You poor things.

Hello, I have been away for the most of the last week in Luton with james and Beth. We went to Legoland

It was a lovely day, plenty to see and do, and I managed to bump into an ex of mine who I hadn’t seen for about 15 years.  In the words of Harry Hill - “What are the chances eh?”

That pic was taken on my new phone which I think is great, I am not usually a phone type person but this is my new phone. It has Wi fi, a passable camera, 3G and loooooads of other stuff. I can listen to online radio and watch Youtube videos, so ner ner ner to your iphone, this cost me about £100!

Anyway, thanks to Beth and James, and their lovely kids for putting up with me.

I came back to find that I am still no closer to getting the money that I am owed. For anyone that doesn’t know I am due a large windfall which will mean I can think about moving house and paying off my debts. It was supposed to take 4 - 6 weeks back in May…

While we were there james and I pretty much nailed the next North South Divide even writing and recording a Flash Ramsbottom bit. His first, long awaited outing. I am now taking my chance to do some work on my own side project FLUX. Which will be a while as I have a lot to do, but it is a start.

Ta, you gorgeous slice of internet you.

so that I could get on with some writing. That isn’t going to happen as I am very very angry. Why, I hear you say? Well I don’t hear you say that, as if I did  I would have some other more important issues. For the sake of this narrative though let’s assume that you did, and I heard you. Okay? Okay.

To precis the beginning bit of the story for people who have only just started following the world according to trev, I work in Rotherham, and I live some considerable distance away from there and so I have been requesting since before I started that I be put on the transfer list. All good so far. Well my boss at my test centre informed when I started that there was no point putting  my name on the transfer list straight away as I would not get one while I was in probation (which lasts 7 months), so being the good boy that I am, I waited.

Until, I got a text from one of my colleagues who started the same time as me and he told me that he was transferring test centres, which meant two things:

One, as he was based in a test centre nearer my home, there would be a space there (In fact there were several.)

Two, my boss had lied, or more charitably perhaps, misinformed me about the chances of transfer under probation as my colleague was transferring, and he was on the same course as me…

About two months ago I got asked (after I had kicked up a bit of a stink about the above) if I would like to transfer to the test centre in question, I said yes, and was told that it would probably be Sep/Oct which I was more than happy with.

Nothing more happened, but I thought little of it except trying to get a definite date, as like anyone I have to make plans.

This morning I mentioned it in the office as one of my co workers asked about it, my boss was not in and another examiner from another team was in, and he obviously overheard us chatting, and I get a feeling knew the answer and he had a look at the system that shows where we are working and so on. Which we do not have access to. What did it show?

It showed that I start at the new test centre the week after next! Yes you read that right, next week is my last week where I am working. Now this is where it starts to get really weird though, as I obviously called our section that deals with where examiners are based and she told me that it has been arranged for weeks, and that my boss definitely knew about it as she has talked to him about it over a month ago…

Now again, some of you may be thinking that he made a mistake, forgot etc. he did not, he has form for this sort of thing, he has done something like this to almost everyone in the office, stuff that I could not possibly type on here. The only conclusions I can come to are that he is either completely forgetting things or he is doing it on purpose.

The good news though is that I am moving test centres soon, so that will be big savings on fuel for me!

As you can see, up there to the left I have added Twitter. I thought that it was about time to drag myself into it as lots of people I know are doing it, and I can update it from my phone. Which is handy being as I am driving examiner, I don’t tend to have internet access at work…

I am nearly finished writing the next NSD after a splurge last week, and plans are afoot and indeed, ahand, to get my new podcast up and running. More news as it warrants.

I just want to say thanks to my good friends James and Beth, who have made sure that I had a great weekend at their house even after I felt very poorly last week.

Ta ra for now.

As I am sure that you are aware, we are as always,  a little behind on the next NSD. I openly admit that this is my fault, I have been finding it very difficult to motivate myself. I also want to get some stand up done soon, but again I was struggling with this and all of the other stuff going on in my life at the moment.

Then it dawned on me, I am going to start a new podcast, it doesn’t have a name as yet but it is basically going to be short bits of stand up style comedy done totally by me. I was intending for it to be fairly regular and also fairly short, probably in the region of 5-10 minutes each.

It is still in the very early stages at the moment, and it might not happen, but I think that it might as I am very excited about it. I am hoping that it will give me the kick up the bum that I need to get on with the next NSD too.

Have fun people, and remember wherever you are in Britain, you are never further than 10 feet away from a rat… (Insert a hilarious Darren Day joke here, using the EC joke insertion scheme.)

Hello you, you look like you have lost some weight. You are looking great, really great.

Me? Oh really? Okay.

Well firstly I have a back door now, it has only taken over a month to sort that out. But now I have something that will keep the outside, outside.

As for FTLFM, I no longer look after that. Don’t ask me why as I am really not sure. Della decided that he wanted to write a new board and host it. I came on MSN one night to find that they had done it. Which was odd as I knew nothing about it. I have mixed emotions about it to be honest. I spent a lot of time getting that board working well, I am not a programmer after all. And it was working and was in a state where I didn’t need to do much maintenance, but I did keep checking on it. So in that way I am quite glad to have it taken away as I have plenty of other stuff that I should be doing. The new board is here: mebelihttp://igor.ifaze.nl/ftlfm/

I think that this gives me the perfect time to back out of FTLFM, I have not done a show for a long time anyway, and I am not enjoying it anymore. I promised myself that when something like that stops being fun I will stop doing it, as I have a habit of hanging on to something for too long and it bringing me down. I have left FTLFM before, but that was before most of the current listeners and DJ’s were even involved. That was under different circumstances, in that there was a large difference of opinion between some of the other DJ’s and myself. Not this time, just time to leave with some fond memories. Thanks FTLFM and all that have sailed in her.

Anyway, on a similar note, I haven’t been writing the next NSD, and I am sorry for that. I have plans to start writing the remaining bits very soon. I am writing some new stuff for stand up too, although I am finding that quite hard to consider.

Right, bed for me. Night.

Lots of things have happened of late, but let’s start with the latest first. At roughly 6.00pm today there was a really loud banging on the door. I went thinking that it was my friends who only left a few minutes earlier who had forgotten something.

Outside there was a bloke that I didn’t know looking terrified with a bit of 2 by 4 in his hand and a one eyed dog. (I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried, could I?) He said that some lads who were driving around illegally on motorbikes had punched him and attacked him, and could I call the police. Outside my garden there was another much younger fitter looking lad shouting that he had attacked him as he was the man that had burgled my house. You know how sometimes you make an instant judgement on someone, I just had a gut feeling that the lad on the street was lying, too cocky by half. So I called the police, but refused to let the man into the house, but kept an eye on him while he was in my garden. I wasn’t letting him in as the girls were still here and I have only just been burgled and I really didn’t need someone else coming in to see what had been replaced…

So the police talk to him and it was obvious that he was telling the truth, so they turn up and take him home. Problem is that I am now very clearly marked out in the area, everyone was standing and watching. No one else helping though, I noted. I hope that I can move soon. I still have no back door by the way.

On the positive side, the money from Jen’s house should be sorted soon, and then I can think about moving. I cannot wait now, it is getting like a demilitarised zone around here these days.

Well today was an interesting day at work. The third test today was awful, I genuinely thought that she was trying to kill me. I It seemed very likely that someone had paid her to “rub me out” or somesuch as they say on TV.

So, when I managed to coax that one back, I was feeling quite smug. Until the next test…

The girl in question was lovely, very friendly and had made a good stab at the questions at the beginning of the test. We had headed off and were making our way down to the main roundabout in Rotherham, which is about 3-4 minutes drive from the test centre. We get there and she lines up correctly in the middle lane and pulls up. The lorry next to us in the right lane decides to go and my candidate (what we call people on test) decides to wait and places her handbrake on. All looking good.

Until the lorry jinks to the left as he pulls away, this is no problem as he is a good few inches away. Problem is that the back of the trailer, as anyone who has towed an LGV, trailer or caravan will know, transcribes a smaller arc. To wit: It cuts the corner.

Unfortunately the corner that it cut contained our car, the lorries back wheels scraped very badly against the side of the car, ripping off the door mirror, front bumper and part of the wing. Obviously the poor girl is hysterical at this point, and I have to admit that I have felt better. The lorry driver realises that something is wrong and stops in the right hand lane, I then help my candidate, with the use of the dual brake and clutch, to move the car so that we are a bit more out of the way. We pull up, I check that she is alright, and get out of the car to speak to the lorry driver. Now bear in mind that I am a driving examiner, in the middle of a test and this driver has genuinely nearly killed the girl in the car, who is now bawling her eyes out. What do you think the first words out of this mans mouth were?

“That wasn’t my f***ing fault”. Did you get that? Not “I’m sorry” or even more importantly “How is she?” No. I hadn’t said a word at this point, but for the first time since I started the job I am really struggling to keep my cool and remain professional, but I just about manage. I take his details, give him the instructors and mine, and go back to the girl. I calm her some more, she is okay but I want her to stay in the car, safest place for her. I cannot get her instructors mobile as she has left her ‘phone at home, and I cannot ring work as we are all out on test.

I get out to see if there is anything that the driver needs from me, and he is on the ‘phone to his boss, when he gets off he says this timeless classic:

“My boss says that you have to sign a piece of paper and say that it was your fault and you drove into the back of me….”

He didn’t get to finish that sentence, and I have to admit that I now lost my cool…

“Into the back of you? WE WERE STATIONARY, WITH THE PARKING BRAKE ON! Your back wheels drove OVER our car! How can you explain the front wing and the bumper being ripped forward if we hit you? Hmmm?”

And at this point I walked away, to look after the poor girl and walk her back to the test centre. It is only know I realise the power that my job entails, I stopped the busiest roundabout in Rotherham, all of the traffic to get her across safely.  And no one complained!

To end the story both the girl and myself are fine and were laughing about it later. Although it is not so good for the instructor at least it is quite an old car, and he was planning on getting a new one. Just as well as I think that his old one will be a write off…

Ta ra.

Well, it’s been a while. I will really have to update this more often. I really will. Anyway what’s been happening to me? Well the main thing was last week, when I came home to this:

And as you can probably guess, I had been burgled. In fact there was an attempt about two weeks earlier, but they must have been disturbed. They took my faithful old laptop, and my Xbox 360 and all of the games etc. So the last few days has been police, insurance, phone calls, changing passwords on websites and so on. Helpfully my laptop had some photos and scripts from the next NSD that I hadn’t backed up. Gah.

In other news, I finally remembered to upload this:

This is the class of October ‘07 at Cardington, not the most flattering photo of all of these stunningly beautiful people, but hey ho. (Names have been withheld to protect the innocent.) I will put a bigger one in my gallery once I get the website working again.

On that, I updated it the other day, and then had to change the passwords due to the theft, and now it eeeees broken. I shall persevere, just not sure when yet!