Finally, something all right thinking people can agree on…

I had a lot of problems at the house that I used to rent, and when I moved out they sent me a letter saying that i would have to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned. This was before they had actually seen them, by the way, there were only a couple of small carpets and they were pretty clean anyway.

Here is a letter that I wrote to them about a year ago, you can tell I was a little annoyed… (I got what I wanted by the way.)

Dear *****,

I acknowledge receipt of both of your identical letters dated 3rd November 2008 and I am writing to you in reply regarding parts of the enclosed information. Let me first state that I had to email you twice and send a letter to elicit this response, and this was after me attempting to call your lettings department on several occasions and getting no answer.

Your letter states mostly what I would expect regarding the state of the property when I move out, the only thing that I have an issue with is “Carpets should be professionally cleaned” so in effect this is a tax on my withdrawal from the property? I either pay money to get the work done, or you will use it as an excuse to stop some of my deposit being returned to me?

I have spoken to **** (the landlord’s representative) regarding this matter today, and he is more than happy for me to do it myself, as I have access to a carpet cleaner. The house will be left in a far cleaner manner than when I moved in, and I add that I had to spend the best part of a day with assistance from family to make this house habitable!

I will consider paying for the carpets to be cleaned, if you consider reimbursing me for the following issues that I have had since I moved in. (You may want to sit down for this, as it could be a long ride, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times.)

When I got the keys for the property, I found when I got here that none of the upstairs lights worked, and it was assumed that it was an electrical problem, it wasn’t. All of the bulbs were out, which I replaced at my own expense. As was the connection for the TV aerial as that was broken. As stated above I had to spend the best part of a day tidying up due to the excessive mess that the property was in.

Since then I was without a shower for several months, and then subsequently without a working oven for several months as well. Both of these were only fixed once I had threatened non payment of rent for your breach of contract. The gutter at the rear of the property came down in the storms over 18 months ago and it still has not been fixed or replaced. This is presumably damaging the property when the rain just seeps down the wall. The fence at the rear of the property on the right hand side has been down since around the same time. The fencing at the front of the property is also damaged and partially down.

On two occasions I was sent threatening letters for non payment of rent, that I had paid. I have letters to prove all of this by the way. On another you took no money at all, and I had to email you to remind you. For which I got no thanks, or indeed a response at all. Which is a pattern that I have come to expect from your organisation.

I hold your company, and it’s slow responses partially responsible for the burglary that I suffered earlier this year. The outside of the patio door was smashed and the outhouse door damaged in an attempted burglary, as nothing was done about this due to you arguing with the landlord and the insurers, I was subsequently burgled several weeks later. (All of this is available in a corroborating format from the police, with photos I took myself of both incidents.) The police officers and scenes of crime officers agreed that I probably would have not been burgled had the door been fixed in time. It then took several weeks to be fixed after that, including me losing 2 days of work due to the lack of security in the repair. In the end my Father and I repaired to make it more secure ourselves. Again at our own cost.

The outhouse door was damaged in both attempts, although entry was not gained. No one has even asked about repairing that, so I also repaired that so that it was secure. Again at my own cost and in my own time.

I had to pay an excess of £150 on the claim for replacement of my articles, I do not see you offering to pay towards any of that? And of course all of the tidying that had to be done and correspondence that I had to pay for to yourselves, the landlord, police and so on.

I have since had a mice infestation, which I notified you about via email (again twice, as you blithely ignored the first one. Keeping up your usual good form there that I have come to expect.) and was promptly called back by one of your representatives who asked a few questions and said she would get back to me. Can you guess what happened next? Go on, you know you want too. Yes that’s right, nothing. How did you see that one coming?

So to summarise, I have repaired the toilet, put on a new lavatory seat (it’s nice and pine finish. Very tasteful, you would like it). Replaced a lightshade, bought a bath mat, fixed the drain on the bath, replaced many bulbs that should have been working before I moved in. Had several major items not work at all for several months, damage not repaired from storms over 18 months ago. Been accused of non payment of rent, when I had proof that I had been paying it. Burgled. Oh and the mice parties, where they get together and inexplicably eat my sponge scourers, odd tastes the Featherstone mice, what can I say?

I am sure that there is far more that I could put in this letter, as the service that I have received from your company has been on the whole, woeful.

So to summarise the summary, I am feeling very very annoyed by your company and the implication that I will leave this house in any form of bad repair that is my fault is frustrating at best. I feel that you should consider this situation based on the above problems and as the landlord is happy for me to clean the carpets and so on myself, to let me do just that. If you or the landlord have any issues when I have moved out then that can be discussed then.

I don’t believe that I am overly fussy, or too quick to complain, minor things such as the kitchen lino being ripped since I moved in, have been lived with without grumble. It takes a lot to me make me complain, I am hardly a serial complainer, but I have been pushed towards it now, which I regret.

Right first, and this is never a good way to start a blog post, I am sorry for the lack of updates of late. As you can see from my previous post, lots of things have changed recently. What has changed you ask? Well are you sitting comfortably? No? You might want to do something about that seat then…

So, firstly my lovely other half Lorraine, has moved in with me. I am a very lucky Trev, oh yes. Soon we will have more people living with us, and will need a bigger house. We already have had to buy a new car…

So then, internet stuff. I have written nothing at all for some time now and I am really not sure what to do next if I am honest. Flux is popular with some people so I may carry on with that. NSD is popular with a lot more people, but the future of that is far from certain at the moment. I am bothered by the fact that my hosting bill has just come up, and it is quite a lot of money. Now with all of the things that I have in my webspace there is a lot of popular stuff. I am genuinely pleased that people enjoy it, and that it is getting heard bt lots of people, what does worry me is that I am effectively paying to give people this free entertainment. This is not a whinge, although some donations would not go amiss, there have been no donations at all this year. Balance that against the fact that we get on average 1000 downloads a month just of NSD’s, just a donation of 50p from each listener would have easily covered the costs.I hope that you see that I am not complaining, I am just trying to explore ways of making this new media at least pay for itself.

So, where from here? I cannot really afford the hosting at the moment, although i will probably pay for it. I have plans for some different things in the webspace, not least of which is a gallery of Lorraine’s (my other half) pictures. She is a very talented photographer.

i am considering the possibility of making some of the podcasts / writing come with a small fee, I am talking pence here people, just to go towards my costs. Is that too much to ask, that what I make for you does not cost me money?

Any thoughts or suggestions are genuinely wanted, I am not keen on this as a way forward at all but need a way of making some money from all of these people having fun. Advertisements is a possibility I suppose, but I am not keen. As a comedian/comedy writer I feel that it is only one step from there to being editorialised by people with large wallets and an axe to grind. “Could you just take out that joke about our product…” The start of a slippery slope.

Trev

Hello to you all, been a busy few weeks for me. If you have read “The elephant in the room” or “I don’t know really know why” you may have an idea what this is about. Lots of you have read them, and have sent me some very nice comments and support. Thank you for that.

I have to add that it is based on truth, and it happened some time ago. Since then, well you can guess the rest, but things are going well. So well that i asked the lady in question to marry me, and she said yes! I know!

As you would expect with me, it is not of course that simple and there are things that mean that we cannot be together as much as we would like at the moment.

We will be together properly soon, things are not easy but we are not the kind of people to do things the easy way. I know that this is right, and that I have never been more sure of anything.

Sorry that I have not been online much lately, but as you can probably see, I am getting a life. How odd eh?

In other news, I am announcing that the North South Divide is on an indefinite sabbatical. A shame, as it is popular and we have had a lot of fun making it. Unfortunately it is unlikely to continue, but a little time may change things greatly. I would love to take the time now to thank all of the people that have helped make it possible, but most of all Mr james Hart. Thank you to him for the inestimable help and creative genius that he is in helping create the NSD. Yes, I wrote most of it but without his sparkling personality, wit and most of all technical ability it would not have been the success that it clearly was. Thank you sir.

In related news, Beth, james’ wife is in hospital as I type this. She is also a regular contributor to NSD’s, and was one of it’s greatest supporters. I am sure that everyone reading this will wish her a speedy recovery.

The next one has been written, but is probably never going to be made. Also a shame as there was some good stuff in there, but I have been finding it harder and harder to write. Probably a sign of some sort.

I am now at a creative crossroads, not sure what to do next but knowing that I need to move on. Flux is also probably finished, but less people will mourn the passing of that I am sure.

Anyway got to go, people to make voodoo dolls of and all that.

Thank you.

by Trevor Ship – 10th June 2009

(This follows on from my blog post “I don’t really know why” dated April 22nd 2007. You do not really need to read it to make sense of this though.)

As I followed her through the door of the restaurant I took my first real chance to look at her. She was in front of me and probably wouldn’t know. Mind you, she probably knew full well that I was looking at her.

She looked exquisite in a black and white dress that moved with her body in a flowing motion. Her hair, darker than I remember it, matched perfectly. A medley of monochrome, lifting her pale skin into an entrancing pearlescence.

I did have chances to look at her before, earlier in the evening, and she had tried her hardest to grab my attention. Announcing how may times she had changed to get the look just right, dragging my eyes to the shape of the skirt and the neckline. I wanted to look, words will never convey how much I wanted to look. I gave in with a brief glance and a smile. Which seemed from her reaction, to tell her more than I thought that it would.

Conversely I also didn’t want to look, not yet. It was too early to betray myself and my emotions. I needed to see how things were going to go. My eyes cannot lie. Never have been able to, so I avoided her gaze.

Now following her into the squat stone building, I took a chance to take in her elegant shape, and revel in her scent. She looked to all the world like a rare flower reaching it’s peak of beauty. Breathe man, do not forget to breathe! Passing out would be less than impressive at this point.

She walks into the bar, and as she always does, she lights the place up with her personality. A gift made all the more entrancing as she does not seem to know she does it. Maybe I am the only one that notices, she seems to emanate a slight glow to me. I know that people notice me when I walk into a room. How could they not? My frame blocks the sunlight. I have the ability to make people laugh and I use it liberally to make sure that people take to me. She has no need of that artifice, people simply like her.

Once we have sat down I look into her eyes properly for the first time in decades, and I am suddenly terrifyingly out of my depth and have to look away. Glancing back every now and then in the same way that a trapeze artist regards the floor. There to be looked at, but not to be taken for granted. We chat, laugh, share stories and just talk about the small stuff. It is at this point that I notice it. There is something exceptionally large stood just to the rear of me. Breathing heavily and slowly. Along with all of the other patrons of the delightful restaurant, in amongst the tables, chairs and customers. The waiting staff are moving around it as if it was simply not there. But it clearly is.

I looked again. No it really is there but I am the only person that seems able to see it. As I look from the floor and gradually look up to take in it’s full stature. Sure enough right in front of me is an animal the size of an average American family car and the same colour of grey that is saved only for particularly dreary hospitals.

Stood right there in front of me, is a full size elephant. Looking at me querulously, as bemused as to why it is there as I am.

I look back at her and we carry on talking and laughing, every now and then I glance back carefully. No it is still there, and I am still the only person that can see it. I think it maybe best to ignore it, so I return to my delightful companion and really start to enjoy the conversation and thrilling in the natural ebb and flow of our relaxed natures.

I have almost forgotten it behind me until I feel it’s warm breath on the back of my neck and a faint smell of fruit. I spin round and look straight at it, not to challenge it, more to understand it’s motives. It’s lugubrious and gentle eyes give me no answers, only more questions. I suddenly feel very sorry for it and a little humbled. It may only be a metaphor, but it still has no place in a small stone built restaurant, it should surely be roaming the metaphorical savannah. Or maybe defecating all over a sandy floor that some put upon zoo keeper has only just cleaned, but definitely not here.

As I turn back I notice something in the eyes of the beautiful woman sat opposite me, she sees it too. This I did not expect.

How do you bring this up in conversation? I quickly search my mental conditioning, nothing. “Oh, so you can see the invisible elephant as well?” Simply cannot be done. So we do what every decent British person would do under such significant stress, we ignore it and carry on.

The fact that we can both acknowledge that we both know that the elephant is there makes a connection between us. Briefly I wonder which elephant it is that has the small ears, although after bashing that about for a moment I do something that I should have done much earlier. I look back at the astonishing human being sat opposite me and let her into my life again.

Twenty years of my life fall away like awful 70’s vinyl wallpaper from a rented house wall, as we engage with each other in a way that only we ever have. The dance of words that we are engaging in is intimate and loving, close and tender. We verbally spar and accrue points from each other as we have always done. The glint in her eye when she makes a cheeky comment, and the loud uncontrolled laugh when she lets it run free. She is becoming less guarded than before and so am I. I take in the shake of her shoulders as I make her laugh, the rise and fall of her chest as she gets passionate about the subject at hand, we broach every subject that there is to discuss.

Well, every subject but one. The one that placed the huge pachyderm right behind me in the first place. Oddly though, now that we have both realised that there is one thing that we are not discussing, the elephant seems less menacing and feral, more amiable and even a little enchanting.

I briefly wonder if I can change it, as it is obviously a symbol I have created. I ponder dressing it up in a circus ringmasters outfit. is that cruel? To dress up an imaginary animal? I have never given it that much thought before. I am not inclined to at the moment either.

Sometimes not everything has to be thrashed out in front of a committee, just because it is not out there for open discussion does not mean that it is not being approached. The way that we talked, the things we said, the deep lasting looks into each others eyes spoke more and more to each of us on a deeper level as the night went on.

At the end of the night, which came far too soon as is always the case, we separated with a hug. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be.

I looked up at the sky as I walked away, aware that something was subtly different. I had changed inside, just a little. Like a dry lawn under the heavy dew, or an old dusty book being opened carefully, the dust blown away and perused. Something was different, a small almost indecipherable something. The moon was in the sky, but it was not properly dark yet as at this time of year the night is in no hurry to start its shift.

Strange how things work out, I never saw the elephant again though. It is doing well though, working in the Houses of parliament, they often have need of a metaphorical elephant so I hear.

Myself and the lady in question? Who knows how these things work out? Not I. Going to be fun finding out though.

Events of the last day or so have forced me to think again about something that I think about a lot. Road safety. Now before you switch off bear with me. Given what I do for a living it is a very large part of my day, and I have to give it a lot of thought.

I have spent a lot of time honing and improving my driving and I will continue to do so, I take it very seriously, the licence and ability to drive are not a right, they are a privilege. Now I know that this at odds with the way that a lot of people see me, I do take some things very seriously. This is one of them. Sorry, knob jokes will return soon enough.

As an ex instructor I am more aware of the level of driving skill that most people have. I have never understood what it is about certain people that think as soon as they have passed their test that makes them a good driver. No, it means you have achieved a basic standard that is required by law.

I have a frying pan, and I am reasonable cook. This does not make me Gordon Ramsey. Why? Two things, talent and most importantly (and this is the one that people don’t want to hear) practice. that and too little general swearing, but let’s not get bogged down in the general Gordyness of the moment.

You know that musician that you like? Lot’s of practice. Writer? The same. Ditto every TV programme, book, magazine, song, recipe and so on that you like. Someone put in a lot of effort to achieve the level that they have.

Lewis Hamilton has been driving carts since he was a young un, and Michael Schumacher first drove at 3! So then, do you think that the snotty nosed little gimp down the road who has been driving once a week for 3 months is going to be good? Maybe. It is pretty unlikely though.

I would like to add that I am not getting at the inexperienced driver here, well not only them. How many times have you heard someone, or yourself, say  something like “I wouldn’t be able to pass a test today” and then laugh?

Think about it, what you are actually saying is, “I am not up to standard with safe road driving through allowing myself to become lazy and blase.” Not so amusing now is it?

In my position at work I do see the worst and best of other road users, people pushing their way past other road users just to get to the supermarket quicker. People that tailgate other road users are another one, hanging a nanometre from the back of your car just because you aren’t going as quick as they want. Dangerous driving, plain and simple. Not funny or amusing it is dangerous bullying behaviour. End of discussion.

That is one of the issues with the modern car due to the improved cockpit, better sound insulation, heating and ventilation, safety and so on we are becoming emotionally divorced from what is going on outside. I am no psychologist, thankfully, but it is clear to see that some people who in normal life are nice normal people become raging psychopaths behind the wheel.

We need to improve the ability and attitude of all road users, old and new or at least maintain them. I am wary to give my complete opinions on the way forward, for reasons that I won’t go into, but I will say that we need to start treating driving with the importance it deserves.

You make a mistake in the office (assuming that you have an office job for a moment) and some paperwork is incorrect.

Make a mistake on the road and people can die.

If you are wondering what triggered this off, it is this: http://www.batleynews.co.uk/news/Fatal-crash-near-Oakwell-Hall.5253594.jp

Thank you for your indulgence,

Trev

Hello. Just a quick note to say, to anyone still interested, that the script for the next North South Divide is finished. Yes, really.

I know. Recording it soon, so hopefully should be in your ears soon.

Now working on ideas for the next Flux, and a few other bits and bats.

Ever get that feeling the other people know more about your life than you do? Welcome to my world.

Most of my friends are female, and as any man worth his salt (I could explain that term, but choose not to.) would tell you, women know best when it comes to feelings.

This isn’t true of course, but it is one of those things that we go along with and just believe in as it is easier. For proof of this sort of thing see: Money, democracy and  James Blunt records. They exist as no one can be bothered coming up with a better solution.

Ages ago I was going to use this blog, or one very much like it, to catalogue my thoughts and feelings as I went through a seperation from my marriage and now my divorce. I came to a startling conclusion pretty quickly though.

No one wanted to know, me included. So that put paid to that pretty quickly. Which I think on reflection is for the best. I have however, used this blog on occasion to put out into the open some of my thoughts and feelings. Mostly I see this as a blog for funny stuff that I cannot squeeze into the NSD, Flux or whatever guff I am working on at the moment. Oh that and Twitter, which I am a little bit addicted to at the moment.

I have a few ideas for new projects, which is something I always do when I am unsure of what to do next. I have some ideas for some short stories that could be posted on the web. I have a very early idea for a potential radio sit com, but more on that if it happens. Which is highly unlikely with me.

I sat down to write tonight for the next NSD, only a handful of things left to do, and I produced nothing of any worth. Admittedly even when I make nothing it is funnier than My Family, but contracting swine fever is funnier than that.

Bed for me, if you want to know more about my feelings you are an odd un and no mistake. Trust me, have a look at the stuff I write and then imagine being in that head all of the time!

Been a while since I have updated this so going to stick a few things in here. Let’s go:

Firstly, today I realised that a romantic relationship is like a firework. Yes dear reader, you read that right.

When you start a relationship you are filled with trepidation and excitement. This soon turns into an anti climax and a feeling of wasting your money. No matter how much money you spend you still know that it will all be over too soon and it is a high chance that you will annoy the neighbours and frighten their cat .

Oh, and you should never go back to a relationship in case it blows up in your face. (Don’t ask. It’s simpler)

Yesterday I went with the girls to Red House Museum, a museum that is free. It is quite small, but nicely presented and maintained. The best thing is the staff who were very keen and enthusiastic and very good with the girls. A thumbs up from me if you are in the area and want to learn about either textiles, Charlotte Bronte or life in the Spen Valley. How’s that for a mixed bag?

The next North South Divide is almost written, only a few things to finish now. Should get those done this week hopefully although I now appear to have a PC to fix for someone at work. When the next NSD is done I feel I need a new project. Time will tell.

Amyhoo, that’s all for now.

Ta ra.

I wrote this piece for Twitter titters originally, as they are compiling a book with short stories, poems, prose and so on for Comic Relief. Unfortunately this was not a successful entry, although they did send me a lovely message saying that if they had more space they would have used it. Can I suggest that if you enjoy this post that you visit Twitter titters and look at purchasing the book. Failing that, you could give a little directly to Comic Relief Red Nose Day 2009. I took the time to write this, the people at Twitter titters, and the other writers gave their time for free. Please help, even a little makes a difference.

I hope you enjoy:

“As I write this I am currently feeling sorry for myself. Over the last day or so my body seems to have been indulging in an attempt to make me feel awful by getting rid of everything that I put in it for the back out at a heightened velocity. I will leave the description at that for readers of a more delicate disposition.

Trev.”

Let me start this post by saying that it is not a rant by a zealous atheist against all constructs and forms of religion. I have no problems with what anyone chooses to believe, okay? Good.

I have been seeing a lot of blog posts lately about how atheist are immoral, I take umbrage at that. I have always been a non believer, I have no interest in any form of religion for me. I have always been fascinated by what people choose to believe. Where did religion come into morality?

Moral codes that people subscribe to are, and always have been, their own choice. Some of the most sadistic, hateful and vindictive people have been religious. Now let’s not bring Hitler into this, before we go any further. Yes he has been described as an atheist, he wasn’t, but that is a pointless argument. Let’s just accept that he was an atheist. Okay one bad guy on our side, how many on yours? Any villain of any time period you care to mention was pretty likely to have been a theist of some kind. I am not using this as a bargaining chip, just time that we looked at the facts.

Does this mean that all believers, of all types, are evil? Of course it does not. I know some truly wonderful people who are believers, and I respect and love them for what they are. I am one of the most moral people, with a very strong moral code that I live by. Stronger I might add than lots of religious people that I have known over the years. I am sure that many people that know me would agree to this.

Morality is an abstract concept that is devoid of belief, it is a set of ideals that you live by, or don’t.

Please do not see this as a rant against any religion, it really is not. It is a statement of my annoyance at lazy supposedly religious types using easily refutable arguments. Please stop it. If you are really upset by me not believing in your God, forgive me and turn the other cheek. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do? I don’t sit here writing hateful bile about what you choose to believe and do.

To end, please go in peace, and may your God, if you have one, go with you.